Sibling Bullying – Beyond Normal Rivalry

Sibling relationships are often the longest-lasting bonds in our lives. They can be a source of support and friendship. However, when sibling dynamics take a toxic turn, what may be brushed off as “normal sibling rivalry” can actually be something more harmful: sibling bullying.

In a study published in January 2013, of the siblings surveyed 78% reported being bullied by their sibling and 85% reported bullying their sibling during their childhood.

In this blog, we’ll explore what sibling bullying is, how to recognize it, and why it matters. We’ll also cover how to address it and offer tips to help prevent sibling bullying.

What is sibling bullying?

Sibling bullying is a form of repeated, intentional aggression between siblings, where one child consistently holds power over the other sibling through physical, emotional, or verbal abuse. Unlike occasional conflicts or competitiveness, sibling bullying involves an ongoing pattern of behavior that causes distress or harm.

Some examples of sibling bullying include:

• Constant belittling, name-calling, or mocking
• Physical aggression such as hitting, kicking, or pushing
• Destroying or hiding personal belongings
• Manipulating or isolating the sibling from family activities
• Using threats or intimidation to gain control

Signs of sibling bullying

It’s important for family members and caregivers to be able to identify the warning signs of sibling bullying. While every child is different, here are some common indicators that a sibling dynamic may be crossing the line:

Signs of sibling bullying in the victim:

• Avoidance behaviors: A child may try to avoid spending time at home or being alone with their sibling.
• Mood changes:  Increased sadness, irritability, anxiety, or withdrawal may occur.
• Physical signs: Unexplained bruises, scratches, or other injuries.
• Low self-esteem: Expressing feelings of worthlessness or being “less than” their sibling.
• Academic struggles: A sudden decline in school performance or lack of focus.
• Sleep disturbances: Trouble sleeping, nightmares, or bedwetting in younger children.

Signs of sibling bullying in the aggressor:

• Aggressive behavior: Using power or intimidation to get their way.
• Lack of empathy: Showing little concern for how their actions affect others.
• Control issues: Attempts to dominate or micromanage their sibling’s activities.

It’s also important to note patterns. One-off arguments are not necessarily signs of bullying, but repeated, one-sided harm can be.

Sibling bullying vs. sibling rivalry

While sibling rivalry can be a normal part of childhood development, sibling bullying is not.

Sibling rivalry:

• Occurs occasionally, often due to competition, jealousy, or perceived unfairness.
• Usually mutual, where both siblings argue or fight, but there is not an imbalance of power.
• Conflicts are typically short-lived and don’t result in long-term emotional harm.
• Can even help children learn conflict resolution and emotional regulation when guided properly.

Sibling bullying:

• Happens repeatedly and intentionally over time.
• Involves a power imbalance where one sibling consistently dominates or harms the other.
• Causes psychological distress or fear in the victim.
• Often remains hidden due to shame, fear, or normalization within the family.

Understanding this distinction is important, as minimizing bullying as “just rivalry” can prevent a child from getting the support they need.

The impact of sibling bullying on mental health

Sibling bullying is not just a phase. It can have serious and long-lasting effects on a child’s mental health and emotional well-being. In fact, research has shown that sibling bullying can be just as harmful as peer bullying, and in some cases, even more so due to its frequency and proximity.

Potential mental health consequences of sibling bullying include:

• Chronic anxiety and depression: Constant exposure to bullying can lead to long-term emotional distress.
• Low self-worth: Victims may internalize the negative messages from their sibling and struggle with confidence.
• Social withdrawal: Fear of being targeted may lead to isolation, both within and outside of the family.
• Increased risk of self-harm or suicidal ideation: Persistent emotional abuse can contribute to serious mental health crises.
• Trust issues: When abuse comes from within the family, it can impact the ability to form healthy relationships later in life.

It’s also important to consider the mental health of the child doing the bullying. Often, their behavior is a sign of emotional difficulties, mental health concerns, or unmet needs.

How to address sibling bullying

If you suspect or confirm that sibling bullying is happening in your home, early intervention is key.

Here are practical steps you can take to address sibling bullying:

1. Take it seriously: Avoid minimizing or brushing off your child’s complaints. Phrases like “kids will be kids” can invalidate their experiences and possibly make them less likely to open up in the future.
2. Talk to both children individually: Create a safe space for each child to share their side. Validate their emotions, listen without judgment, and try to understand.
3. Set clear family rules: Establish clear boundaries around respectful and acceptable behavior, and outline specific consequences for crossing those lines. Consistency is key.
4. Monitor interactions: Pay close attention to how your children interact with each other. Step in when necessary, but also look for patterns – who initiates, how it escalates, and how it resolves.
5. Model healthy conflict resolution: Children learn by watching. Demonstrate how to handle disagreements calmly and respectfully, and encourage open communication.
6. Seek professional help: If the situation doesn’t improve, a family therapist, child therapist, or child psychologist can help mediate, identify root causes, and provide tools for healthier relationships.

It’s also important to clarify what doesn’t work in the case of sibling bullying: “grounding,” punishment, and defense of the victim.  Punishment & grounding don’t teach the important skills necessary to a functional, healthy sibling relationship, and often times publicly defending the victim exacerbates the malicious attention focused on the bullied child.

How to prevent sibling bullying

Preventing sibling bullying starts with creating a family culture rooted in respect, empathy, and emotional safety. Here are ways to proactively foster a positive sibling dynamic:

• Don’t compare siblings: Avoid statements like, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” These comments can fuel resentment and competition.
• Encourage empathy and cooperation: Teach your kids to understand each other’s feelings. Praise moments when they support or help one another instead of only pointing out conflict.
• Give each child individual attention: Ensure each child feels seen and valued for who they are. One-on-one time with each child can reduce jealousy and increase emotional security.
• Teach emotional regulation: Help children identify and manage their feelings, especially frustration or anger. Techniques like deep breathing, journaling, or just spending time out in nature can be effective at teaching emotional skills.
• Use family meetings to communicate: Hold regular family check-ins where everyone can talk about what’s going well and what needs improvement. This encourages open dialogue and collective problem-solving.
• Create shared goals: Assign collaborative tasks or projects that require siblings to work together, fostering teamwork rather than rivalry.

Parental intervention teaches them how to start that dialogue and work through emotions, to identify why they are doing what they’re doing and how exactly they feel.  Parents are their “coach,” showing them how to properly handle new and challenging situations and navigate emotions.

Takeaway

Sibling bullying is a serious issue that can deeply affect a child’s mental health and self-esteem. Recognizing the difference between typical sibling rivalry and sibling bullying is the first step toward making your home a safe and nurturing space for your children.

Early intervention and consistent support can make a world of a difference. With open communication, clear boundaries, and intentional parenting, it is possible to address and prevent sibling bullying – giving your children the foundation they need for healthy relationships.

Our network of child and teen therapists are here to support your child’s mental health. Visit findmytherapist.com to choose your therapist and schedule your first therapy session, either in-person or online.