Relationship OCD

By Farid Alsabeh, LLP

Farid is a Limited Licensed Psychologist in Michigan

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Rachel is starting to worry. Recently, she’s felt attracted to a member of her weekly hiking group, Jamie. This has caused her to develop recurrent and unwanted thoughts about her current relationship. Even after Jamie left the group, these thoughts about her partner continued. Rachel frequently ruminates about their compatibility, their likelihood to continue, and the “rightness” of their relationship. In response, she finds herself constantly comparing her relationship to others, checking in on her feelings, and asking her friends for advice.

Experiences like this are being documented more and more in the psychological literature. This has led to the proposal of a new type of disorder, called Relationship OCD (ROCD).

Like Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), ROCD involves preoccupations that cause distress and compulsive actions that are intended to alleviate that distress. But in ROCD, these thoughts specifically involve a person’s romantic partner.

In this article, we’ll explore the phenomena of ROCD, contrast it with more typical concerns about relationships, and find out what solutions exist for treating it.

What is Relationship OCD (ROCD)?

Everybody will experience doubts about their romantic relationship at some point in time. When it comes to making decisions about our intimate relationship, some amount of caution is needed — and even helpful.

But in ROCD, these kinds of thoughts take on bigger proportions in these ways:

• Frequency: The thoughts happen very often, maybe multiple times a day.
• Intensity: The thoughts are more than passing, involving rumination that can interfere with a person’s functioning
• Negative emotions: The thoughts are attended by feelings of guilt, shame, or self-criticism

What kinds of thoughts does ROCD usually involve? These can be:

• Suitability: Constantly wondering whether the person is the right partner for them
• Feelings towards partner: Constantly doubting whether their feelings towards their partner are “real” or strong enough, especially in relation to feelings that they may have about other people
• Perceived flaws: Constantly focusing on a partner’s perceived flaws, whether they be related to their personality, physical appearance, or lifestyle

As an OCD disorder, ROCD also involves a number of compulsive actions that are meant to respond to these occupations. In the context of ROCD, these actions can be:

• Self-monitoring: People with ROCD may respond to relationship-centered thoughts by monitoring their own feelings about the person, their readiness for a relationship, or feelings towards others
• Comparison to others: People with ROCD may compulsively compare their partner to other people, both in terms of their specific features and the way that they make them feel
• Asking about other relationships: Because people with ROCD are so doubtful about their own relationships, they can sometimes seek clarity from other places, which may take the form of asking others about their relationship or browsing the internet.

Research shows that ROCD tends to develop in early adulthood, corresponding to the time that people usually develop their first major romantic relationships. In addition, ROC may involve non-romantic partners such as family members, although less research exists about this. Finally, ROCD can sometimes involve obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors focused on past relationships, not just current ones.

What causes ROCD?

How does ROCD develop in the first place? Are some people more likely to develop ROCD than others?

There are at least two general models that explain how ROCD develops: the cognitive model and the attachment model.

The Cognitive Model

According to the cognitive model of ROCD, preoccupations with relationships develop when we make catastrophic misinterpretations of our own thoughts.

These misinterpretations can be thought of as cognitive biases that take everyday and common thoughts but blow them out of proportion, causing us to react to them with anxiety.

These may include:

• Pathologization of thoughts: For example, a person may become annoyed with their partner, but interpret this common experience as a sign of a failing relationship
• Perfectionism: A person may have nearly-impossible standards that make slight flaws seem more important than they actually are
• Threat overestimation: A person may have overblown ideas about the possible negative effects of ending their romantic relationship

One key idea in the cognitive model is that due to these misinterpretations, a person begins to increase their level of self-monitoring, which makes them more hypervigilant for these kinds of thoughts. This leads to a vicious cycle in which the preoccupations become even more frequent over time.

The cognitive model also explains that specific relationship-related beliefs may contribute to the development of ROCD. These include ideas about:

• Commitment: When a person values commitment more, they may be more likely to interpret commonplace doubts as threats to it, exacerbating self-monitoring
• Anticipated regret: When a person believes that leaving their partner will be something they will regret, this makes them more likely to ruminate about it
• Self-worth: When a person’s beliefs about their self-worth are closely tied to their relationship, this can also make pathological rumination more likely

The basic gist of the cognitive model is that both cognitive distortions and specific values and beliefs related to relationships can cause the preoccupations and compulsions of ROCD.

The Attachment Model

According to the attachment model of ROCD, obsessive preoccupations with relationships develop as a result of anxious or avoidant attachment styles.

These anxious attachment styles can lead to the following dynamics that make ROCD more likely:

• “Hyperactivating” strategies: In the anxious attachment style, a person relies on persistent worrying or adjustment of behavior in order to ensure the attachment figure’s presence. In ROCD, these may transform into intense ruminations about the suitability of their partner
• A ‘maximizing’ attitude: In the avoidant attachment style, attitudes are developed that deny the meaningfulness of the partner as a defense mechanism. This may be done by adopting a ‘maximizing’ attitude towards relationships, as opposed to a ‘satisfaction’ attitude, whereby a person is always seeking relationships that maximize, rather than satisfy, their desires

These models aren’t mutually exclusive. A person with an anxious attachment style may develop the kinds of cognitive biases proposed by the cognitive model, and a person with many cognitive biases may go on to develop an anxious attachment style.

But by keeping these two models in mind, we can better help people who have ROCD, which will be discussed next.

Treating ROCD

Treating ROCD involves becoming familiar with the misinterpretations, biases, and attachment dynamics that are leading to its symptoms. For example, consider Rachel, the person who we considered at the beginning of this article.

First, Rachel’s misinterpretations and beliefs about relationships may be addressed. For example, she may have catastrophized her experience of being attracted to a member of her hiking group. By being led to a more realistic understanding of common experiences in relationships, she will not be so attentive to them, decreasing her self-monitoring.

Next, Rachel’s attachment style may be assessed. For example, through a thoughtful examination of her past relationships, she may become aware of certain avoidant tendencies that encourage her to sabotage or deny her feelings in order to spare her anticipated heartbreak.

As these two examples show, an understanding of the underlying psychology of the symptoms allows us to make adjustments that can alleviate ROCD.

There are solutions to ROCD

ROCD is a subtype of OCD that involves intrusive preoccupations and compulsions related to a person’s perception of the suitability of their relationship. Common preoccupations include the rightness of the relationship, the genuineness of feelings, and the partner’s perceived flaws, while common compulsions include checking in about feelings or asking others about them.

Treatment for ROCD involves identifying specific interpretations and beliefs that make thoughts overblown, bringing a person to a more accepting and realistic appraisal of their own relationship and their attitude towards it. It may also involve an exploration of the person’s attachment style, to replace maladaptive attachment-related behaviors with more healthy ones.

Navigating ROCD can be challenging, but you don’t have to face it alone. If you’re ready to take the first step toward finding support, visit findmytherapist.com to schedule your first appointment with a therapist.